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The Lost Chapter of Genesis

07 Nov

Lego Adam and EveTo the woman He said, “I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; and in sorrow you shall forfeit sleep from the child’s 4th month of age until a time seeming befitting to the Lord, for whom a day is a thousand years. Your desire shall be for your bed, but your child shall rule over your night.”

And the woman besought the Lord, saying, “Oh Lord, my punishment is greater than I can bear. Wilt thou not have mercy on me?”

And the Lord relented and said, “It will come to pass that the season of the sleep regression shall end.”

And the woman thanked the Lord, but then the Lord continued, “And then there shall be puke. And the puke shall come without warning, like a thief in the night. And the child shall bring forth puke abundantly, which shall go up and come into your house, and into your bedchamber, and upon your bed, and upon your people, and upon your clothes, and into your hair, and onto your floors. And there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth whilst you clean the puke from the child’s ear canals.”

And the woman asked, “Where then is my hope? Who can see any hope for me?”

And the Lord laughed heartily, for his sense of humor is great. But the woman was not amused.

And so the Lord God took pity upon her and provided a leafy plant and made it grow. And the woman asked the Lord God what was the purpose of this plant? And the Lord God presented the woman with a good and perfect gift taken from the plant, which renewed her strength.

And she called the gift Coffee, which means “The Lord Has Preserved My Sanity.”

So the woman was very grateful for the plant. But as the day drew on, the effects of the coffee faded. And it happened, when the sun set, that the child let loose a vehement east wind in the form of a tantrum; and the tension overcame the woman, so that she grew faint. Then she wished death for herself, and said, “It is better for me to die than to live.”

Then God said to Eve, “Is it right for you to be overwhelmed?”

And she said, “It is right for me to be overwhelmed, even to death!”

And so the Lord God created a second plant, one which bore fruit. And again when the woman asked the purpose of the plant, God bestowed upon her a gift taken from the fruit of the plant. She looked upon the gift and declared, “It is good.”

And she called the gift “Wine” because she said, “Again, the Lord God has restored my soul.”

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