Dirt

08 Feb

The Boss told me today that he “had some dirt” on me that would make me blush.

WHAT THE HECK WAS HE TALKING ABOUT???

I’m not a member of any secret club, I don’t participate in any obscure sexual rituals, and I can’t really think of any skeletons that are locked away in my emotional closet.

What possible piece of embarrassing evidence could he possibly have come across?

I’m confused. He probably just did that to irritate me.


 
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Posted in Secrets, Work

 

JUST PICK SOMETHING

07 Feb

Highlights from a family discussion on where to go for lunch.

Hey, we were thinking that Pei Wei sounded good for lunch today.
Oh no, not Pei Wei…
What’s wrong with Pei Wei?
You always liked it before.
No, I love Pei Wei & PF Changs. It’s just that every time I eat there, I leave feeling like ‘Ohhh’.
Don’t eat so much then. Take half of it home.
It’s just that every time we go out to eat with you guys we eat at Pei Wei or PF Changs.
We haven’t been there since November.
I’m just totally over Pei Wei and PF Changs. There’s nothing really good there.
You just said you loved Pei Wei.
I only love one thing there. The beef and broccoli.
Ok, since you’re the veto person, where should we go?
I don’t know.
What’s that other restaurant you think is gross? I think we should choose between those two.
I think a lot of restaurants are gross.
We know. You don’t like anything.
No, I like a lot of restaurants, just not the ones you guys like.
Like what?
I like…Luna de Noche…and Carrabbas…and Posados.
So you like three restaurants.
And two of them are Mexican food, which we’re having at the party tonight.
I like more than that, I just can’t think of them right now.
We’re a little burned out on Luna.
Yeah, I’m not in a Luna de Noche mood right now anyway. Italian sounds good.
We can’t eat Italian before the party tonight. That would be way too much food in one day. How about WingStop. It’s Superbowl Sunday afterall.
(silence)
Sandwiches? Something light? Quiznos.
He’s giving the ‘I don’t like Quiznos’ face.
It’s just that…hey, I do have a coupon for a free 6″ sub at Subway though.
Not subway. Dry bread and green tomatoes.
I say we just let these two decide.
So what are you in the mood for?
Nothing really. I’m not hungry. I probably won’t eat anything.
You’re not hungry???
No, not really. You guys pick somewhere, it doesn’t matter to me.
So why couldn’t we have gone to Pei Wei?
We can go to Pei Wei. That’s fine.
Of course you guys realize that while we’ve been standing here for the last 20 minutes, the rest of the church congregation has filed out of here and is now standing in the 3 mile long line at Pei Wei.
Let’s just go to Pei Wei.
(half way to Pei Wei)
Hey, you guys wanna go to Red Lobster?
But you hate seafood.
No, I hate fish. And crab. But I love Red Lobster.
(unanimous) Red Lobster it is.


 
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Posted in Family, Food, Such is Life

 

How to Make Me Grumpy(er)

06 Feb

Wake me up from a nap and motivate me to get out of bed by threatening to fart on my face. Then ask me if I’m grumpy because of PMS.

You. Couch. Tonight.

PS: I don’t care if you didn’t really have one stored to release.


 
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Posted in Jens, Peaves

 

Mr. Innocent

04 Feb

Mr. Innocent

Don’t be fooled by the picture. Those innocent eyes kept me up all night. Chewing, pacing, smacking, and other mid-night activities were the pleasure of our dear pup in the wee hours of the morning.

I woke up at 2:00am to the sound of a sock being mangled. Another sock had already lost its threads of life and had been discarded on the floor. WHERE DOES HE KEEP GETTING THESE???

From 2-3:00, I kept waking up with a start to the sound of more socks being mauled, and would leap out of bed only to find Hastings playing with the rope toy. It’s amazing how a rope toy ceases to sound like a toy in the middle of the night.

It was imperative that he make a trip outside at 3:00am. 3:30 was time to play tug-of-war with the rope toy…and it was quite confusing to him why neither of us were up for the game. Obviously we didn’t understand how cool the rope toy was, and needed it dropped on our faces for closer examination.

Evidently my hand was in desperate need of grooming at 4:30 this morning and became subject to a multitude of sloppy kisses. When it was suddenly pulled under the pillow, my elbow made a suitable replacement.

I was late to work this morning because my brain needed a trip to Starbucks, evidenced by the fact that I ordered the wrong drink (how the heck did “Mocha Frappuccino” come out as “White Chocolate Mocha”???) and had to get back in line to re-order. Anybody want a white chocolate mocha?


 
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Posted in Peaves, Pets

 

Headache

03 Feb

The accountant we use for our business doesn’t use a computer to balance bank statements. So when I need to confirm that specific checks have cleared the bank (it’s 1099 season again), I have to go through every single bank statement since the check was cut (a year ago) to see if that check number cleared in any month.

The THUMP THUMP sound you may be hearing right now is me beating my head against my desk.

There should be laws against living in the ice age.

PS – speaking of ice, it never did snow yesterday.


 
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Posted in Are You Kidding Me?, Peaves, Work

 

Holy. Crap.

02 Feb

I’m usually not one to pass on a lot of forwards, but I just can’t help myself with this one.

Turn up your sound and wait for the eyebrow twitch.

Numa Numa Kid


 
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Posted in ROFL, Teh Internets

 

Magnetic Sweater

02 Feb
The sweater I’m wearing today is one of those pieces of clothing that attracts everything. It seems that every woman is required to own at least one of these. Whenever I wear it, I have to employ the force field to keep the pets away because touching my dog means I walk away wearing more fur on my sleeves than he has on his entire body. How does that happen??? It’s just not right to go through an entire lint brush in one day. Trips to the bathroom also require extra caution to ensure you don’t return with the roll of toilet paper stuck to your back.

So thanks to this weird stretchy material and an overabundance of static electricity, I’m a walking magnetic field, forever explaining to people that no, I’m not attempting to impersonate Labyrinth’s Junk Lady.

But I’m warm, which is what mattered to me the most when I dressed this morning. It’s supposedly going to snow today, though we’ve seen no direct signs of it thus far. I think the weatherman is just playing with my emotions.

And in other news today…actually I think these were from yesterday:

How to get fired

A New Low

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go release the squirrel that got stuck to my sweater on the way in this morning.


 
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Posted in Such is Life, Weather

 

NASA Takes Over

01 Feb

We’re doing a supposedly simple video today. There’s so much equipment in that tiny room that we’re all questioning how in the world Boss Man is going to fit in there to do the presentation.

This is a low key presentation that could be easily filmed with a camcorder on a tripod. Instead, we have 4 cameras + 4 monitors + 400 wires & cables = OVERKILL.


 
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Posted in Work

 
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