Martha Stewart, I am not

27 Jan

“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

-Joan Rivers

I might be having company tonight, so I cleaned the house. Hear that everybody? I CLEANED THE HOUSE. I vacuumed, emptied the dishwasher, filled the dishwasher, dusted the mantle and tables (even the little ones in the bedroom), cleared the countertops (no small feat in our house), cleaned the countertops, watched the dog track dirty paws all over the freshly vacuumed carpet, and mopped the kitchen floor…well, at least the part you walk on.

It’s really not the cleaning part of housework I hate so much. It’s not really the fact that it takes forever to accomplish such temporary results. It’s not even the fact that dirty bathrooms are icky and I can’t stand to clean them (I solve that by putting Jens in charge of bathroom cleaning).

It’s the fact that when I’m finished, YOU CAN’T TELL I EVER DID ANYTHING.

We live in an ugly house. There’s no getting around that. The walls are dark (except for the squares of swooshing pastel textured paper) and the carpet is dirty (and it’s that burber stuff so you can’t tell where you’ve vacuumed), and there simply isn’t enough light in the house to escape notions of living in a cave. So when I’m done cleaning and I wipe my hands and look around…I can’t tell the difference between when I started and when I’ve finished.

So why, you might ask, do I ever bother cleaning in the first place? The answer is quite simple, and it’s the same reason I never cheated on tests and have dreams about assignments that aren’t completed on time.

Guilt. I don’t have enough to make me keep a clean house, but do have just enough to occasionally embark on a cleaning fit. (And yes, I am holding an experiment to see how many times I can use the word “clean” in a single post. Clean clean clean. So there.) I think it goes back to my theory about finding the meaning of life in balance. Some, yes, but not too much.

I dated a guy once who thought I would make a good Mormon wife. HA. He would have been sorely disappointed. I don’t even make a good Baptist wife half the time. I live in constant bafflement at how I managed to secure such a wonderfully patient and laid-back husband. Who is willing to wait until I’m ready to have kids (we’re pretending that he has a choice here).

So I have a (mostly) clean house now. There are still piles of laundry spewing out of the bathtub, which we use as a back-up laundry hamper because the drain doesn’t work…and because it’s one of the few places the dog doesn’t sneak in to steal dirty socks…and yes, because we’re dreadfully lazy people who hate to do laundry. Especially me.

So if you live in Dallas and get an invitation to come over for dinner, it’s because the house is clean and we feel obligated to take advantage of it. Accept that invitation, because you won’t get another one for 6 months.

PS: Please don’t tell me I’m shallow because I’m annoyed that we own the ugliest house in the neighborhood. You would be very wrong. I’m annoyed that we rent the ugliest house in the neighborhood. Geesh.

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Posted in Confessions, High School, Household Chores, Houses, Jens, Marriage, Such is Life


A Message from Andrea

27 Jan

“Hello Everyone!

Thank you so much for all your prayers. Ryan is doing much much better. He has regained all movement and feeling back in his arms and legs. Right now the doctors are still speculating and trying to figure out what caused his potassium levels to drop from the normal range of 3.5-4.5, to way under the deadly range with levels of 1.1-1.6.

The doctors and specialists have ruled out Gillan Bare Disease (I thought it was called Garretts Disease…sorry about that) by the main factor that Ryan lost movement from large muscles to small, and with that particular disease, it starts in the fingers and toes and then moves to the larger muscles. Praise God Gillan Bare Disease has been ruled out.

Ryan was moved today from ICU to the floor and will hopefully be out of the hospital tomorrow, Friday at the latest. Right now dietitians are working with this 6’2″ 180lb kid to eat foods other than pizza and $ .99 burgers, which will definitely be a challenge but Ryan understands the severity of his condition and is definitely taking the right steps. Though the doctors know that his diet is only a small factor to what has caused this, at this point they are not sure how to diagnose his rare condition. They will be putting him on potassium pills, since the potassium is what he responded to so well, and will be monitoring him very closely with doctors visits and blood work.

Thanks again everyone for all your prayers. We all felt your prayers, and were filled with strength peace and joy! Thank you! God is so good!”

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Posted in Friends, Health...or Lack Thereof, Such is Life


Local Emergency

26 Jan

I received a phone call last night from Andrea, an old friend from high school. Her brother (who is also a friend of my brother) has been put in ICU here in Dallas due to waking up without feeling in any of his limbs. He was rushed to the hospital and tests revealed that he had an extremely low potassium level (just above 1.1) and the doctors were amazed that he was still alive. Evidently he should have had cardiac arrest before his levels reached that low.

They pumped him full of potassium and he seems to be responding to the treatment. As of today, he has some mobility back in his legs. They are calling in specialists to figure out what went wrong and the theories they were tossing about didn’t sound too appealing. They included a blood leak in his brain, a degenerative disease that could leave him permanently crippled, and other options that were all a little scary.

The fact that he’s responding to the potassium treatment is encouraging though, and we’re hoping the only diagnosis they have to come up with is what caused his levels to drop so dramatically.

Please pray for healing and peace – both for Ryan and his family. He’s still in ICU and the doctors are only allowing 2 visitors at a time, twice a day for 30 minutes, so the family is unable to see him very much.

On a lighter note, I think I get the stupid award for the month. I walked into WingStop last night and paid for my pickup order. And left it on the counter. And I didn’t realize until I got home and had no wings to take inside. So J had to make an extra stop on the way home and pick up the wings.

Proof positive that a day and a half of correcting legal documents can turn my brain to mush. Sigh.

Thank goodness for patient husbands 🙂

PS: Besides low potassium, there are other things that would give you a heart attack…


Birthdays & Screamers

25 Jan


Hey, good news from yesterday’s vent about the $130 sandwich. It looks like the problem will resolve itself, as Bank of America doesn’t seem to be charging us any overdraft fees. That’s the first time I’ve ever witnessed a banking problem resolve itself, so I’m still a bit skeptical, but it appears to be the case. Wahoo!

We got a Screamer on the phone today. Not a huge surprise, I predicted that she was going to be trouble when she first signed up. One of those lovely people who (in addition to being annoyingly high-maintenance) doesn’t read the literature and gets all upset two months later when things aren’t the way they imagined. Fun times.

One thing I have noticed about this job though is the fact that I seem to be developing an immunity to screaming customers. I remember working at the bank a few years back and when a customer would start being unreasonable and demanding, I would get tongue-tied and freeze up like a rabbit in the road and it would completely ruin my day…sometimes my week, depending on how demoralizing they were. I think I still have scars from Mr. Green.

Anyway, perhaps it’s because I really feel competent in what I’m doing now, or (more likely) because I’ve grown up a bit. I now have much less of a problem telling someone exactly where they can put their money-back guarantee. In so many words. While maintaining my professional persona, of course.

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Posted in Are You Kidding Me?, Birthdays, Parents, Peaves, Such is Life, Work


$130 for a Sandwich???

24 Jan

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we were actually charged $129.55 for two sandwiches this weekend. At Quiznos. They tried to remedy the error by voiding the transaction instead of just crediting our account, which left a temporary authorization of $129.55 held out of our available balance.

Subsequently, about 6 transactions went into overdraft. I was really hoping to spend a day this week chasing down a Bank of America manager to fight a ton of overdraft charges on an account that never actually went negative, while listening to “not a bank error” sixty-four times. Really.

For the record, if we ever visit that Quiznos again, we will be paying in CASH.

I think the worst part is the pain and the sorrow that gnaw at my heart like millions of tiny evil gnomes…or doves. Evil Doves.

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Posted in Are You Kidding Me?, Finances, Food


I know something you don't know…

21 Jan

I know something you don’t know (insert nanny-nanny-boo-boo tune here). That now makes a total of 3, count them, three pieces of personal gossip information that I am privy to at this moment in time. HA. Am I easily entertained or what?

You gotta love casual Fridays. There’s nothing quite like throwing on an old pair of jeans and a t-shirt to make you feel better about going to work for one more day out of the week.

Guess what??? I DID IT!!! Last night I finally finished my writing assignment (insert Chariots of Fire music here)! Granted, it’s not the best thing I’ve ever done, and it borders on completely ignoring the directions. But it’s done and that’s what matters to me right now. That’s what gets me through today, knowing that my free time this weekend will not be spent punching keys into a keyboard, staring at a computer screen, and hitting the “Delete” key 57 million times. Yes, fifty-seven million.

Nor will it be spent in guilt over not doing the above. I had a guilt dream last night about this assignment. Actually in my dream the assignment was an oral presentation on the Atlantic Ocean and I got attacked by a biting lobster with no arms. But I think it was because of this writing assignment.

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Posted in School, Secrets, Such is Life, Work



20 Jan

“Everyday is a struggle between what I wanna say, and what I should keep to myself…”

-Toby Lightman, Everyday

“[Company Name], this is Amy.”
“I’m a distributor and there’s a sticker on my box that says ‘Distributor ID Number: 5714.’ Is that my Distributor ID Number?”
“Well it’s certainly not your IQ.”
(NOTE: Distributor ID Number has been changed to protect the stupid)

“Olive Garden, may I help you?”
“Yes, I need to add a soup to the pick-up order I placed a few minutes ago.”
“What kind?”
“I can’t remember the name, it’s the one that starts with a Z.”
“The Pasta e Fagioli?”
“Did you pass kindergarten?”

Personal Victory of the Day: I am slowly winning the battle of the bulge. Of the 12 pounds I gained after I got married (actually, after I graduated and quit walking around a 5-level campus all day) I’m down to 7 as of this morning. Yee-ha! Of course, that probably has less to do with any efforts of my own, and more to do with the fact that last night’s dinner didn’t stick with me very long.

I think I have developed some sort of a food allergy, but can’t for the life of me figure it out. Sometimes I make notes on what I eat, and have come to the following conclusions:

Milk: OK if I drink it on a regular basis. BAD if I haven’t had it in a while
Milk on an empty stomach: BAD
Milk + Wings: BAD
Chocolate Milk + Wings: OK
Chocolate Milk on an empty stomach: BAD
Milk + Cereal: OK
Pizza: OK
Pizza + Coke: usually OK
Studio Movie Grill Pizza + Pepsi: Bad…sometimes
Cheesecake: BAD
Crab: BAD sometimes, but I don’t care. I like it too much.
Wienerschnitzel Hot dogs: BAD…but that probably goes without saying.
Alfredo: BAD
Tai Noodle Dishes: BAD
Fajitas at On the Border: OK
Fajitas at Colorado Restaurant: BAD
Coke: OK
Penne w/4-cheese marinara: OK
Coke + Penne w/4-cheese marinara: BAD

After all that, I still can’t figure it out. I guess I’m not lactose intolerant, or dairy products would always bother me, right? It seems that carbonated beverages and cheese don’t go well together. And I don’t know what was with the hot dogs and fajitas. Ideas, anyone?

I’m a glutton for punishment. It’s free lunch day at work (yay) and we’re having Olive Garden. Cheese ravioli and lasagna. And Coke. Bad for diet and food allergy. Yummmmm…

On a side note, I have discovered why cowboys walk bow-legged. Contrary to popular belief, it has nothing to do with riding horses. It’s so they can keep from scuffing up those pretty boots. I need to take a lesson from them, as I have just succeeded in ruining yet another pair of great leather boots by scratching up the sides with my heels. Doh.

And on another side note,

I can’t even teach my cat to do this.

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Posted in Are You Kidding Me?, Confessions, My Insides Hate Me, Peaves, Such is Life, Work


Customer Service Strikes Again

19 Jan

Yay, done with crappy project from yesterday! And more thankful than ever that I didn’t go into accounting.

Now for the daily work vent session…Does anyone besides me notice that a startling number of customer service representatives seem to have the IQ of a cow and the personality of a rotten grapefruit?

As a minor example, I attempted to (painlessly) get the address of a motel where we’re holding a company meeting next week…

WOMAN: aslkdjcoicjewej kdmnclkj, how may I help you?
ME: Is this the Pine Valley Motel?
WOMAN: Yeah.
ME: Ok, can I get the address of the motel please?
WOMAN: Elevenuh827highwaaay226south
ME: Was that 11827 Highway 226 South?
WOMAN: Uh-huh.
ME: Ok, thank you.
WOMAN: Who wants to know?
ME: Um…I…do…
WOMAN: Yeah, but why?
ME: …So that I can get there…
WOMAN: (silence)
ME: Our company is having a meeting there…and I need to be able to tell people where it is.
ME: Um..bye now…

Did she think I was going to come by and steal the motel? It can’t be unusual for people to call the front desk and want the address of the building they plan to spend the night at.

I also wonder what it was about her interview that made the owner of the motel say “this woman would be a great customer service representative.” She wasn’t exactly Miss Personality. Maybe she was just a good interviewer…multiple personalities or something.

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Posted in Are You Kidding Me?, Customer Service Strikes Again, Peaves, Work

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